*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY