Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
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Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Sharon, call the vet
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Alexa: *deep breath*
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
crazy
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.