when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
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Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.