Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
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Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.