Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
don’t be scared
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?