7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
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Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
*orders delivery*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”