When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
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The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first