*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
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“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
For the baby who has everything
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?