Generation gap…
You Might Also Like
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
house sitting!
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.