I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
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I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Pot warmers of the day.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.