Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
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Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Running from your problems is cardio .