Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
You Might Also Like
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?