Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
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told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”