My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
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Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register