I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
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I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
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