Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
You Might Also Like
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.