6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
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Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
me adding lol on a serious message
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi