Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
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Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call: