[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
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I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Day 2 of my diet
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?