hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
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My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
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