Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
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I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.