It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
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Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
The real reason evolution started..😂
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection