I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
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Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now