Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
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I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Genius idea!!
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
You had me at “define legal”.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.