“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)