2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
You Might Also Like
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Yes
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*