*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
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I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do