nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
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Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Awesome parenting 😂
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.