I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
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#Caturday
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Well, that should do it
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
“No way.” -Jose