Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
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You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon