Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
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It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Worth a try
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
i’m sure it’s fine
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.