Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
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Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.