if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
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they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.