“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
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Always the camel, never the toe.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.