This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
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Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
We need to put an American base on the sun
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS