Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
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Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
i made a craigslist ad !
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
wut hotdog?
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.