*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
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My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Planet of the Apps.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.