Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
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Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?