Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
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There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.