The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
what day is it?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.