“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
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A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
S M O L
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Owl Sanctuary