Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
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Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
tourist season
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
doing your own taxes
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!