My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.