The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
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I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
BRO LMFAO