This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Natty or not?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.