Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
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After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing