My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
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Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Just how popey was the pope today?
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*