CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
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Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house