I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
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When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
what does he know…
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I already tried new things thanks.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.