Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
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No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.